Quiche (Mosey, 2010)
A well dressed middle-aged woman is sat upright holding a cup of tea and a saucer, sat directly opposite are her son and his girlfriend. The young couple sit intently listening, hands neatly placed on their knees as the woman speaks in a posh monotonous voice. The woman is stares forward throughout the scene.
Woman: Of course, I haven’t seen Giles since he went on the cruise. I must say he travelled in style. And when I see him, I have promised that I will make him a quiche. I simply must make him a quiche. He won’t have had a quiche for some time. I doubt they have flans on the Nordic continent. I will cook the quiche for precisely thirty five minutes as that is the specified time in the cookbook. It is an awfully good cookbook. I am sure that Giles will enjoy the quiche from this cookbook, it is of a far superior quality to flans in other cookbooks. Of course I received a postcard from Giles, through the post, sent from on his travels no doubt. He was having trouble at one point with the locals in one of these far flung countries with dreadful, dreadful drainage. I really felt for him. Of course there was some tennis for him.
The young man begins to gently stroke his girlfriends leg.
Woman: Giles isn’t one to complain. I know him well. As long as there is tennis he would probably say. So I shall make him a quiche. I will buy the ingredients from the grocers shop at the end of Eastgate. Their ingredients are simply splendid. I will use eggs, beaten. I will possibly cut an onion into small portions.
The young mans hand has slowly moved higher up his girlfriends skirt. She begins kissing his neck
Woman: I will find the freshest, ripest tomatoes that the grocer has to offer. I will slice them quite precisely.
The young man turns to face his girlfriend and begins kissing her passionately.
Woman: Of course the knife will need to be sharp, there will be onions and tomatoes to slice. There is a man who travels through the area sharpening knives and blades. I will acquire his services. I think he is next in our area on Tuesday, I simply must make a note in my diary to ensure his sharpens my blades, or Giles will not have any quiche.
The girlfriend begins unbuttoning the young mans shirt
Woman: The cheese is something which requires consideration. I shall have to consult Edith to inquire into Giles’ preference in cheeses. Personally I would use a mature cheese, possibly the oldest I could acquire.
The girlfriend straddles the young man and begins unbuttoning his fly
Woman: Edith will know. Of course I won’t be able to invite her for quiche on account of her problems. I simply cannot allow her into my home with an in growing toe nail. Where will it end. I have told her this previously and advised her to consult her general practitioner. She is sympathetic to the situation as she recently had a friend with a sprained elbow.
The girlfriend is now riding the young man, she is groaning in pleasure. He begins to repeatedly shout ‘yes, yes, yes, yes!’
Woman: I will advise Giles to steer clear of Edith for the time being. I cannot abide the possibility of contamination. He will be eating quiche here having been near someone with such a fowl infection. It simply will not do, it is not decent.
The young couple have now changed positions. The girlfriend is bent over the sofa, the young man behind her. His bare bottom is very close to the woman’s face.
Woman: I will say, ‘Giles, I have a quiche for you, but there is slender chance of you enjoying this with me if you have recently made contact with Edith Forsyth. It won’t do’.
The girlfriend is now having a screaming orgasm, she is shouting harder, harder.
Woman: I know how he loves his quiche. He is always telling me, ‘Francine’ he would say, ‘I do love quiche’. I recall he told me once in a dinner party. ‘My favourite is quiche, you know where you are with quiche’. And again, we were walking at the duck pond. He informed me that he could scarcely be a duck as ducks do not eat quiche. ‘I have the upmost sympathy for the duck’ he said, ‘but nothing could make me wish to switch places with a duck for any amount of time’. He is adamant on this position.
The young couple are joined by another young woman, this one dressed as a dominatrix with a whip, she joins in by whipping the man as he continues having sex with his girlfriend.
Woman: Of course, I wish I could share his passion for the quiche, but however I find that the quiche is in many ways eclipsed for me by the casserole. I recall telling him this on the twenty third of may. ‘Giles’ I said. ‘I realize that you show devotion to the quiche, but I have to tell you something which I fear may distress you’
A camera man has now began filming the young couple and the dominatrix
Woman: ‘My position on the matter of the quiche has always been thus. It is sadly the lesser in the choice against the casserole. I simply adore a casserole. Of course, Giles, you must be aware’ I told him, ‘You must be aware that I do enjoy a quiche, and I sincerely hope that my expression of opinion does not alter your enjoyment of the quiche in anyway’
Another man enters and kneels in front of the woman and begins to take off her shoes.
Woman: Giles of course was not fazed by this, it is hardly the type of problem which would halter a learned man of the world such as Giles. ‘Francine’, he told me, ‘I have always known that you enjoy a casserole, I too enjoy casserole, secondary to the quiche of course, but wouldn’t the world be a dull place if we all loved the same things’.
The man kneeling at the woman’s feet lifts her legs up and begins to rub his hand up her leg. The camera man pans around the action from all sides
Woman: He can tell you anything you want to know about the quiche. I have never known someone so knowledgeable about the history and the cultural impact of the quiche. The man could write a theses on such matters. I sincerely hope that my quiche passes muster.
The man begins to take off his trousers in front of the woman when suddenly a police man rushes in and begins to arrest the man, the camera man and the dominatrix. He watches the young couple for a short while before arresting them also.
Woman: I have faith in my recipe, and I have faith in my ingredients. I simply will make the best quiche that Giles will have ever tasted. He will enjoy the entire quiche and his lips will quiver for more. And it will be at that point that I will say to him. ‘Giles, you have enjoyed my quiche, which is quite possibly the best quiche in the world. Now, would you please, shut the fuck up about quiches’.