For the billionth time since Brexit began, the United Kingdom is about to head to the polls to see whether King Boris gets to mess up democracy for another few months. While the world waits bated with the listless anticipation akin to that of a Strictly Come Dancing final, the whole of the apathetic British Isles braces themselves to tread out into the bitter winter winds to cast their votes for the party they despise the least.
For those suffering from the electoral blues and those who want to eradicate a different kind of blue from the houses of parliament, here is the definitive UK election playlist to warm the hearts of those who are bored to tears by the whole millennia-spanning saga.
Where are you Radiohead in our time of need? The UK misses you and there has never been a more crucial moment for Thom Yorke to whine over some disjointed guitars. But alas, they are probably all off composing film scores.
It has been the soundtrack to the decade’s worth of Tory rule; “when I go forward, you go backward” while homeless people line the streets, the NHS is in ruins, and the government only talks about Brexit while everything that they clawed back through austerity gets spent on the monumental political folly that has divided the entire nation.
Tammy Wynnete – Stand By Your Man
Even Boris’ brother hates the toffish clown, but those that do have a poor and misplaced judgement of character will find ressonance with the lyrics ‘you’ll have bad times, and he’ll have good times, doing things you don’t understand but if you love him, you’ll forgive him..’ you get the picture. Basically, it’s a love story for the abused wife, and sadly, it matches the attitude of so many people who appear to vocally support the undemocratic fop that once thought it would be fun to try and close down the UK parliament because he couldn’t get his own way. But we love you Boris, and we know that you didn’t mean to turn on your girlfriend the week before you became prime minister either. Much like the 66 million people on Bojo’s sceptered isle, she was probably just in the wrong place at the wrong time.
The Smiths- Panic
There needs to be an edited version of The Smiths classic ‘Panic’ that would have the irritating voice of racist bigmouth Stephen Morrissey removed. This would leave a karaoke version featuring the real talents of the band; Marr, Rouke, and Joyce. Sing the song how you like, but remember the core message of the band that used to rally against the right-wing and the words of the man who turned from viewing Thatcher as barbaric to paying homage to the plastic Brexiteers in his ‘Fuck the Guardian’ vest. There is panic on the streets of Carlisle, Dundee, and Humberside, but whether it is a moral panic about the state of the once-great nation, or whether it’s more a backlash against the proliferation vegan baked goods encroaching on prime retail shelving, nobody really knows or probably even cares.
Super Furry Animals – The Man Don’t Give A Fuck- Live
‘Out of focus Ideology, keeps the masses from majority’ The track that proudly stands as the world record for the most F-bombs in the history of music really nails home the message about the current political climate in the UK. If anyone thinks that the man does care about anyone else will need to listen to this and while the message does get a bit repetitive maybe we will all wake up and realize that the last few years of British politics have literally existed to ensure that the super-rich that plays puppet master behind the curtains are the only ones that have or ever will benefit from the debacle that is Brexit. With nothing else on the cards politically, we have been served up choice cuts of the backstop, talk of a no-deal, trade agreements, and who knows what else. But in the midst of it all, where is the talk about mental health funding? who is improving the education system in the UK? What are we doing to change the tide of homelessness on our streets? The man clearly cares about one thing and one thing alone, and Brexit is more repetitive than listening to a two-second Steely Dan sample for *twenty-three minutes. (*Twenty-three awesome minutes! The Welsh wizards of psychedelic techno-rock are in no way repetitive or dull!)
Bring Me The Horizon – Shadow Moses
‘Can you tell from the look in her eyes, we’re going nowhere’ Oli Sykes did scream. He also may have screamed something about the fact that this is sempiternal, although for a while we all thought it was ‘sand-pit turtle’- which would be an odd thematic shift. But, yes, this never-ending saga of Brexit agreements and snap elections is like a sad and eternal metalcore song droning on and on until you stop caring about where they might have buried the bodies. And while BMTH began softening to become radio-friendly unit-shifters around the time of this catchy little ditty, maybe Bojo could take a leaf out of the book of the Sheffield screamos and change the record too. So, Boris, that means more synth-pop, less dirge. Make of that metaphor what you will.
XTC- Making Plans For Nigel
It feels as though Nigel Farage has sold out his future in British Steel. He’d privatise the NHS in a heartbeat and then dump all the cardiac wings into the North Sea if he ever got elected. Last seen licking cocaine off Donald Trump’s left buttcheek, every Brit’s favourite fake-mate has spent the last decade or more making plans for the UK. From holding hands with the guys that hired digital hitmen, Cambridge Analytica to fill up our news feeds with weapons-grade propaganda, through to lying through his fags-and-beer-stained teeth to the electorate time-after-time; this ultra-rich immigrant kicking toff’s future is as good as sealed. He’s brought about political unrest and made sure that every single closet racist in the country has been allowed the freedom of speech to offend. Good on you mate, lap up your MEPs pension, you worked hard for it.
Pulp- Common People
All the finest people in the world have the initials JC. The first coming was Jesus Christ, then came Joe Cocker, Jullian Clary, Jarvis Cocker, and now finally Jeremy Corbyn. The second coming, finally. Jeremy Clarkson would have made the list but he sold his soul to Amazon Prime. Sad times.
And what better way to celebrate a campaign that will no doubt be for the masses, not the few, than with a round of the traditional socialist singalong ‘Common People.’ Are you sure you want to live like common people? The holy JC is. He preaches a message of humility. Often to be seen dismounting his bike, or wearing his gardening gloves, the leader of the opposition is much more like the original JC than anyone who has walked this planet, and in the same way as the great Jarvis pushed Michael Jackson off the stage during Earth Song, it’s to be hoped Jeremy pushes the pompous Boris off his stage. He will no doubt suffer the slings and arrows at the hands of the right-wing Barclay-brothers-owned UK press, but he will no doubt change his demeanor and will continue to turn the other cheek until there are no more cheeks left in the labour party, and momentum is a cheekless army.
The Who – Won’t Get Fooled Again
Only here for ironic purposes, because we will always continue to get fooled again, and again, and then probably again. Being fooled looks set to become the national pastime, and it won’t stop until we are licking the excrement off the shoes of Jacob Rees-Mogg for our main meal each day. Somehow the wise folk of the country will continue to rise up and insist that democracy be allowed to run its faulty course and that Boris The Spider should stay put in order to enact the will of the people. We will be fighting in the street with our children at our feet and the morals that we worship will definitely be gone. Obviously, these are all empty words since Roger Daltrey recently came out as being a political imbecile. Another hero down. With the swelling in the ranks of our fallen credible rock stars, is it time that we start taping the mouths of Paul Weller and Nicky Wire shut in case they turn into Brexiteers?
The Clash – Should I Stay Or Should I Go?
Clearly, Mick Jones saw the writing on the wall in 1982, and when we all thought that he was singing about a relationship breakdown, he was really foreseeing Brexit 34 years early. Prophetically, Jones understood the tightrope that we would find ourselves on. That there is trouble for both leave and remain. Tough call. With this election again only being about one thing, party manifestos will largely get ignored and voters will put their crosses in the boxes of the parties that subscribe to their Brexit point of view. Mick would apparently have stayed until the end of time. Joe Strummer’s Spanish interjections are also clearly a nod to a united Europe, right? Or then again, maybe it was a song about the girl that sang backing vocals for Meatloaf after all…
Heaven 17 – (We Don’t Need This) Fascist Groove Thang
History will repeat itself. Dress is up how you like. Re-brand it, and put them in a suit with a pint of bitter in their hands to make them seem like you or I. But let us not be fooled by who these people are. While these lovely clean Eton riffles were born with silver spoons in their smug gobs; they have never known enough struggle to write their bibles and manifestos like the fascist heroes of bygone days, they are still dangerous. A vote for the Brexit party is not a vote to take back control from some distant irrelevant political structure that apparently consumes our existence and robs us of what is ours. A vote for the Brexit party is a vote against your own rights as a human being. It’s a vote against the health service that was once the best in the world. It’s a vote that will allow a man with links to the far-right all over the world even more political influence.
Manic Street Preachers- 30 Year War
“And the endless parade of old, Etonian scum
Line the front benches, “So what is to be done?”
All part of the same establishment
I ask you again, “What is to be done?”
It’s all getting a bit dull now; the Tories shitting on the poor and creating tax loopholes. British politics is literally built on an archaic class system and it is really boring watching rich people bicker amongst themselves. But if you ever want to do anything to help the vast majority of the UK population so that they get a fairer system that is not rigged in favour of how much money your daddy put in your trust fund, then you should probably ignore it because it came from the mouth of a terrorist sympathiser. If someone wants to take us away from having to have food banks to feed the many, then we’ll call them dangerous.
But the thirty year war is now in it’s fortieth year and it still goes on. We had a slight respite in the form of Blair’s Tory-Lite New Labour. If only he’d not ruined it with illegal wars. This pretend election is not designed to give us the chance to change the status quo, it’s designed to strengthen it so that Johnson can do what he wants without anyone blocking him.
So ask yourself why so many people want to block him before you go and put your cross in the box. Ask yourself why this man needs less control and not more control. And if you don’t normally vote; go and vote.
Vote on for something that will make a difference to the people of this country- and don’t vote along the lines of the Brexit money-pit that has cost us billions already and has held back political progression for the last few years. Let’s have parliament debate something else other than the same repeated withdrawal agreements that are not good for anyone. Let’s have them debate the state of the NHS. Let’s have them debate education. Let’s have them debate the fact that mental health provision in the UK is absolutely dire.
We need a parliament that will tackle child-poverty not unnecessary backstop agreements that will never stand up to the Good Friday Agreement. There needs to be discussions about what control we let the likes of Facebook have on our thinking. The government should not be wasting years on Brexit when we’re hurtling toward extinction. It won’t matter if we’re in the EU or not if we don’t become carbon neutral as quickly as possible.
So when it comes to casting your votes, find a party that actually has a manifesto and one that is not all about how they are going to leave EU. Parties that are only interested in Brexit are doing nothing for the people because you cannot eat Brexit. Brexit won’t call you in from the waiting room and talk to you about your treatment options. Brexit won’t pick up the homeless girl off the street and find out what is going wrong in her life that she has had to sleep rough. Brexit is not going to help teachers to deliver a better standard of education in an improved school system.
Brexit is about trade agreements and borders, and if that is the most important thing in this country right now, not health, poverty, education and much more then great. Go ahead and keep the Etonian scumbags in for another thirty years.
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